This week, a lot of us will help a small person into a costume. We'll adjust a cape or tie on some cat ears and watch them become someone else for a night, completely and joyfully.
And some of us will notice, maybe in the middle of all that, that we've been wearing a costume of our own for a while now. The calm voice at drop-off. The version of you that shows up for your in-laws, and the very different one that comes out at 11pm when everyone is finally asleep. Somewhere in there is the person you used to be, and you're not sure she's coming back.
Questions about identity after becoming a parent are some of the most common things clients bring into our offices. It's rarely framed that way at first. It sounds more like "I don't know who I am anymore" or "I feel like I'm performing my own life." Halloween is a good moment to look at the masks we wear every day, why they formed, and what it might mean to let more of yourself be seen.
Key Takeaways
Showing different sides of yourself in different settings is healthy, not fake.
The trouble starts when one mask never comes off, or when important parts of you go quiet for too long.
Becoming a parent, sometimes called matrescence, reshapes identity as profoundly as adolescence does.
Many of our most rigid masks, like people-pleasing or always being "fine," began as protection.
Parts-informed therapy can help you get to know the parts of you that went silent and invite them back.
A Quick Note on the Word "Masking"
The word masking has an important history. It was developed in autistic and ADHD communities to describe the exhausting work of hiding neurodivergent traits to fit in. That meaning deserves to stay centered, and if it describes your experience, it's worth exploring with a therapist who specializes in neurodivergence.
In this post, we're using the idea more broadly, to talk about the emotional and social masks many parents wear and the parts of themselves those masks cover up.
Why Different Parts of You Show Up in Different Rooms
You probably laugh differently with your oldest friend than you do at school pickup. You might be patient and steady with your kids and sharp and funny with your sibling. You may be confident in one setting and quiet in another.
None of that makes you a fraud. Healthy people have range. Psychologists have long understood that the self is not one solid block but a collection of different parts, each with its own feelings, needs, and ways of showing up. The Internal Family Systems model describes this beautifully: we all have many parts, and underneath them is a core Self that can be curious and compassionate toward all of them.
From this lens, the question isn't "Which one is the real me?" They're all you. The question is whether each part gets enough room to breathe, and whether you can move between them by choice rather than by habit or fear.
When the Mask Stops Coming Off
Most of us switch between parts many times a day without thinking about it. Problems start when one part takes over and stays in charge. Maybe it's the capable, organized part that keeps everyone fed and on time. Maybe it's the agreeable part that never asks for anything. Maybe it's the cheerful part that says "We're good!" to everyone, including your partner, including yourself.
Matrescence and the parts that went quiet
Becoming a parent is one of the biggest identity shifts a person can go through. Reproductive psychologist Aurélie Athan uses the term matrescence to describe this transformation, and psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks has written about how it parallels the upheaval of adolescence. Bodies, relationships, priorities, and routines all shift at once.
In that shift, some parts of you naturally step forward. Others step back. The part of you that read novels in the bath. The part that loved to dance, or argue about politics, or travel on a whim, or make art. These parts didn't vanish. Many of them just went quiet because there wasn't room. Over time, it's easy to start believing they're gone.
This isn't only about mothers. Fathers, non-birthing parents, adoptive parents, and parents through surrogacy all go through their own version of this identity shift, even if it gets less attention.
Where Our Masks Come From
Here is where a trauma-informed lens becomes important. Many of the masks we wear most rigidly started long before we became parents. They formed when we were young, as ways to stay safe and connected.
If you grew up in a home where anger was frightening, you may have learned to be the easy kid who never needed much. If love felt conditional, you may have learned to perform, to be helpful and impressive so no one would pull away. Some people develop what trauma therapists call a fawn response, a reflex to please and appease in order to keep the peace.
These were smart adaptations. They helped you get through something. But protective parts don't always notice when the danger has passed, and parenthood has a way of waking them up. The pressure to be a "good parent," the judgment from relatives and strangers, the sheer vulnerability of loving a child: all of it can push protective parts to work overtime.
That's often when people feel most masked. Not because they're being fake, but because old protectors are running the show and the softer, more spontaneous parts can't get a word in.
What Your Kids Learn From Watching You Unmask
Children learn how to be a person largely by watching the people closest to them. When they see you only in one mode, always fine and always managing, they may learn that this is what grown-ups are supposed to be.
When they see more of you, they learn something different. That adults can be frustrated, say so, and repair it afterward. That a parent can love them fiercely and also love singing badly in the car or getting lost in a book. This range teaches emotional safety. It shows them that every part of a person is welcome, including the parts that aren't polished.
This connects to attachment. Secure attachment isn't built by perfect parenting. It's built through attunement and repair, through being real enough that your child can trust what they see.
Your partnership matters here too. Many couples find that after kids, they relate to each other only as co-managers of a household. Becoming "we" without losing "I" means letting your partner see the parts of you that aren't about logistics, and getting curious about theirs.
Getting to Know the Parts of You That Went Quiet
You don't need to tear off every mask at once. A gentler place to start is curiosity. Some questions to sit with:
Which version of you shows up most often these days? What is that part trying to protect?
When was the last time you felt fully like yourself? Who were you with, and what were you doing?
What part of you has gone quiet since becoming a parent? What would it want, if it could ask for one small thing?
Who in your life gets to see the most unmasked version of you?
Notice what comes up, without rushing to fix it. Sometimes just naming a part, "there's my people-pleaser again," creates enough space to choose something different.
How parts-informed therapy helps
In our practice, we often use an IFS-informed approach to help clients get to know their parts with compassion rather than judgment. Instead of trying to get rid of the mask, we get curious about why it's there, what it's afraid would happen without it, and what it needs to relax. Clients often find that as protective parts feel understood, the quieter parts of them start to come back.
You Get to Be All of You
Halloween is the one night a year when masks are expected. The rest of the year, you get to decide how much of yourself to show and to whom. Becoming a parent didn't erase who you were. It added rooms to the house. Some of the old rooms have been closed for a while, and the people who love you would probably like to see what's inside. You might, too.
Ready to Get Support?
If you feel like you've lost track of yourself since becoming a parent, therapy can be a place to find the thread again. Our therapists specialize in parenting, perinatal mental health, and parts-informed, trauma-informed care. We offer sessions in Los Angeles and via telehealth across California.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is it normal to feel like I've lost my identity after becoming a parent?
A: Yes. Becoming a parent is a major identity shift, and many people feel disconnected from who they were before. This is a common and understandable part of the transition.
Q: What is matrescence?
A: Matrescence is a term for the developmental transition of becoming a mother, encompassing physical, emotional, social, and identity changes. Many experts compare it to adolescence in scope.
Q: What does masking mean outside of neurodivergence?
A: In a broader sense, masking can describe hiding certain feelings or parts of yourself to meet others' expectations. The term originated in autistic and ADHD communities, where it refers to concealing neurodivergent traits.
Q: What is parts work or IFS-informed therapy?
A: Parts work is an approach that views the mind as made up of different parts, each with its own role. IFS-informed therapy helps you understand these parts with compassion so they can work together more freely.
Q: Do you offer therapy for parents struggling with identity in Los Angeles?
A: Yes. Mother Nurture Therapy Group supports parents navigating identity changes in Los Angeles and via telehealth across California.
About the Author
Yael Sherne is a California licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT 128601) and the founder of Mother Nurture Therapy Group. With nearly a decade of experience and specialized training in perinatal mental health, couples therapy, and trauma, she supports individuals and couples navigating fertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting.
Disclaimer
The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. Mother Nurture Therapy Group provides therapy services in California. For personalized support, please contact us to schedule a consultation.